This compilation of Bewitched (2005 film) Movie Quotes captures some of the film’s humor, heart, and whimsical moments.
Funny Quotes
“Orange is a great color. Orange is happy. Why don’t we just paint it yellow? We can’t, we’re gonna paint the bathroom yellow.”
“Your life is total instant gratification, Daddy. It’s fantastic, isn’t it?” “No. No, it’s not. Because how do you know that anyone really loves you for yourself? It’s like those rich men who are never sure why women sleep with them. But women sleep with them, so it’s not really a problem.”
“Oh, it’s simple. You say, ‘I love you’ to someone you want to go home with. And then when things get messy, you say, ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ And that’s pretty much it.”
“Every woman wants to be a witch.” “I don’t. I wanna feel thwarted. I want days where my hair is affected by weather.”
“I always look great. That’s a given.”
“Last Year in Katmandu. It cost 140 mil to make. Grossed 1.6. The only DVD to sell no copies. We probably shouldn’t have shot it in black-and-white.”
“I used to love Uncle Arthur. Well, we’re looking for Uncle Arthur. I don’t know if you remember… but when he’d appear in the mirror, it would crack. It would always crack. And you knew it was coming, and yet, every time it happened… I laughed and I laughed and I laughed.”
“I want three trailers. Nobody in television has three trailers. He wants them, you get them. And I want my own makeup team in matching jumpsuits. And a leopard! I want a pet leopard. With a diamond-studded collar. Real diamonds. And a cake. A two-story-high cake. Every Wednesday’s Cake Day. And we’re gonna bring it out… and we’re gonna pretend it’s a surprise. Because it’s Cake Day.”
“The nose. I mean…”
“Is your self-esteem low because you aren’t participating in the real world? Yes, my self-esteem is very low. Well, let’s face it, you need a job.”
“Anyone can act. If I can act, you can act.”
“I think those people over there just finished their plate of hummus. You might wanna help them by clearing it.”
“So do you wanna be rich and famous? I just wanna be normal. Well, acting is better than normal. Yeah. You get to pretend to be normal. And then if you’re good, you become a big star… and guess what happens. You snap your fingers and pretty much anything you want materializes. Oh, no. No, no, no. I have that now. It’s what I’m giving up.”
“You seem very sweet and unkempt and troubled. Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Those are bad things to say to a person. Oh, no, they aren’t. I think the fact that you’re a hopeless mess is very refreshing. It moves me.”
“Like this? Uncanny. It’s identical. I told you.”
“I’m a witch, Darrin. A house-haunting, broomstick-flying, cauldron-stirring witch!” “Great. Great. Know what? Let’s put the script down, let’s put it away, and we’ll improvise.”
“Were your parents in the witch business? Both of them. My mother fixed the 1986 World Series.”
“Do you carry around poison apples, like in Snow White? Oh, no, you have to have a permit for a poison apple. Permit? Okay, good to know. That’s good.”
“Oh, what’s it like to date a warlock? Oh! Horrible. They’re self-centered, not very bright, and all that feel-good-in-the-moment. Not at all like you.”
“What’s so funny? Nothing, J-Bone.”
“You’re gonna play Samantha on Bewitched. They’re redoing it. Are you an actress? I guess I am. I love that show. Is that the one about the genie?” “No.”
“Look at the nose! I hope you can do that. That’s how I got the job. Wriggling my nose. Really? It’s easy.”
“How witchy was that? We talk about your father and he turns up.”
“Your dad is a hoot.”
“One morning, I shot a lion in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I’ll never know. Uncle Arthur. Classic. Your brand of low comedy always did appeal to adolescent mentality.”
“Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome the star of the new Bewitched: Jack Wyatt!”
“Endora used to refer to Darrin as Derwood.” “No, I just forgot your name.”
“Didrt she leave him for a snowboarder/underwear model? He’s a moronlidiot.”
“They replaced Darrin on the original Bewitched and no one noticed! Nobody is going to replace you. I’m Darrin! How did this happen?!”
“Joey, for God’s sake. Are you trying to kill everyone? Because we can’t breathe. And what’s going on with the lightning? You can’t nod to the audience in the show. It just breaks the reality.”
“Freeze! Unfreeze! What a shame you didn’t drink it. If you had, perhaps you could’ve spent your wedding night as a bullfrog.”
“Did she just call me an acre of crabgrass? Deal with it, Derwood.”
“Because Jack Wyatt doesn’t parallel park without checking with me.”
“You think she’s gonna notice? What? That she doesn’t have a part? Not a chance. She’s clueless.”
“I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating a box of crackers.”
“Where art thou, dog? Thy canine lover. What’s happening? Where is your hot breath upon the nape of my neck? We shall form a bond of brotherhood: Man and beast. You shall lick my face and I shall lick your snout.”
“Totally. I have a totally great dog.”
“Thank God you didn’t have a Great Dane.”
“What’s a dick?”
“No one ever sets out to make a bad movie.”
“Some movies are career-enders.”
“You know, I hate to point fingers… but I’m gonna blame the wardrobe department. The wardrobe department? I think it got in the way.”
“Your Aunt Clara used to be able to make a clean landing. Aunt Clara? Oh, Aunt Clara. Oh, thank goodness you’re here.”
“You know, there was an Aunt Clara on the original Bewitched. What a coincidence! She was a witch. So am I. She was always screwing up.”
“It’s too bad you’re not a witch, you could put a hex on Jack.” “Oh, I can. I certainly can.”
“Just a little one.”
“I feel like one of those people I’d make fun of. I feel like I believe in unicorns. Did I put in the wolfbane? I can’t remember.”
“”The Name Game”!”
“The dog scored higher than me. He’s a cute dog.”
“Jack Wyatt is a real tool. But a good tool. Like a Jacksaw!”
“Is it just my imagination, or is the room actually brighter with her here?”
“Forget 99, I give her 100! 100!”
“Oh, and then I kiss her because she’s so funny. And a job. She needs a job. Yes! Yes! Make this woman the CEO of a multinational corporation.”
“I’m just being Endora.”
“Even though we werert going to do it, were we, darling?”
“But your Endora is a marvel.”
Quotes about Love
“I want a man who needs me.” “Needs you? Because he is a completely hopeless mess.”
“Oh, no. You’re talking about love, aren’t you? What do you suppose it’s like?”
“If he loves me, he won’t care.”
“He seemed so messy and sincere. But really, he’s just a big fake.”
“Yet there’s a part of me that still has a small amount of feeling for him. How can this be?”
“When my first husband left me, I wanted to cut the brakes in his car… but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.”
“I have never disliked a man more in my entire life… which proves that I am completely over him. Not necessarily. In fact… Besides, it was just a crush, which is an intense but superficial attraction… that can easily be mistaken for something deeper.”
“I have a crush on Endora. What?!”
Quotes about Life and Identity
“Because it’s normal. You’re normal. You’re just… I know. But I’m not gonna be one anymore. You have no choice in the matter. It’s what you are.”
“I feel as if I’m pressed against a glass window. It’s right there on the other side. I can see it, but I can’t feel it. I can’t touch it.”
“That was my last thing as a witch. I wanna be like everyone else. I wanna have friends and I wanna… And I wanna go to the Coffee Bean… where we all discuss our problems, which are absolutely unsolvable.”
“I don’t. I wanna feel thwarted. I want days where my hair is affected by weather.”
“I am through with just snapping my fingers and getting my way.”
“No, Daddy. No. I mean it. No. Never again.” “You’ll get wet.” “I hope so.”
“I want my life back. Okay? I want my wife and my house. I wanna be a movie star again.”
“I just wanna be normal.”
“You’ve turned your back on your own kind… and now you live down the street from a Denny’s.”
“It’s a little harder to break the habit than I thought.”
“My darling, we are quicksilver. We’re a fleeting shadow. We’re a distant sound. We live on the wind… in the sparkle of a star. And you want to trade all that for an acre of crabgrass?”
“Now that I turned out to be so wrong about him, my job is all that I’ve got. Please don’t mess it up.”
“You can’t stop being a witch. I can too. You’ll see.”
“Isabel, actors look normal, sometimes better than normal. But deep down, there is no deep down.”
Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“I’ll take it. Wonderful. I’m so happy.”
“You can have anything you want.”
“Don’t do this. You’ll meet someone, you’ll get this close. And when he finds out about… If he loves me, he won’t care.”
“Get a grip, Jack. Get a grip.”
“Pull yourself together, man.”
“Let’s go.”
“Bring it.”
“You go, girl!”
“This’ll be easy.”
“Say yes. Yes!”
“Be brave. You look beautiful.”
“We were both thinking the same thing, Jack Attack. Cast a nobody. You’re completely safe.”
“It’s what I get paid to do.”
“Moving on!”
“Off to a good start, huh?”
“Great! Beautiful. That was good. That was good.”
“Calm down, you’re not alone.”
“You don’t want to become mannered.”
“Honey, you can’t quit. He has to quit, not you.”
“The show must go on.”
“I have made up my mind. I am quitting tomorrow and I’ll do something else, like sailing… or polishing fruit.”
“I’ll do it. And then I can keep my job. Which would help my self-esteem.”
“We got hard work to do, okay? Hey, I never said I was perfect. The important thing is Isabel.”
“Totally on board.”
“You nailed that!”
“Good idea, Jack.” “No. Great idea.”
“Something terrible is happening. I know, I know.”