Judge Elihu Smails, the stuffy and tradition-bound co-founder of Bushwood Country Club, provides a wealth of comedic lines throughout Caddyshack.
Judge Smails Quotes on the Golf Course
“Ty, what did you shoot today?”
“Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?”
“It’s easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you’ve got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat.”
“McFiddish, do you know what I just saw? A gopher. Do you know what gophers can do to a golf course?”
“Czervik Construction Company? Well, I slap an injunction on them so fast it’ll make their head spin.”
“Do you mind, sir. I’m trying to tee off.”
“Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.”
“Yes. Yes. Winter rules.”
Judge Smails Quotes on Social Standing
“Don’t you people have homes?”
“Spalding get your foot off the boat!”
“Ohhh, Porterhouse!”
“Look at the wax build up on those shoes. This is fine leather. I want that wax stripped off there, then I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now. Chop chop.”
“Don’t you people have jobs?”
“Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey’s mother sent her to us for the summer.”
“You – you will never be a member of Bushwood!”
“Wrong! You’re drinking too much, Your Excellency.”
“You’re not a man, you’re a bishop, for God’s sakes.”
“Danny, I’m having a party this weekend.”
“How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?”
“Sit down, Danny.”
“Danny, I think you know why you are here, so I’ll… do us both the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday…”
“Sorry. My niece is the kind of girl who has a certain… zest of living. The last thing any of us need right now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.”
“Good. Good, good.”
“You know, despite what happened, I-I’m still convinced you have many fine qualities and I… I think you can still become a gentleman some day if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society.”
“Good. Good, very good. You know, I… I know how hard it is for young people today and I wanna help. Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal, Mr. scholarship winner?”
“[chuckles] How ’bout a Fresca?”
“How about a Fresca?”
Judge Smails Quotes on Conduct and Expectations
“Do you stand for goodness, or – for badness?”
“Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?”
“Spaulding!”
“Well, who do you want?”
“Can I have a word with you? ln private?”
“Okay, Pookie. Do the honors.”
“I demand satisfaction.”