Carl Spackler, the groundskeeper with a unique approach to his job, delivers some truly unforgettable lines.
Carl Spackler’s Unique Perspective
“I have to laugh, because I’ve outsmarted even myself. My enemy, my foe, is an animal. In order to conquer the animal, I have to learn to think like an animal. And, whenever possible, to look like one. I’ve gotta get inside this guy’s pelt and crawl around for a few days.”
“I got to get into this dude’s pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who’s the gopher’s ally. His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.”
“Well, I have been pushed… I think it’s about time somebody teach these varmints a little lesson about morality and what’s like to be a decent, upstanding member of a SOCIETY!”
Carl Spackler on His Mission
“Freeze Gopher!”
“[Grabbing the hose] Ok, I guess were playin’ for keeps now! I guess the kidding around is pretty much over! I guess it’s just a matter now of pumpin’ about 15,000 gallons of water down there to teach you a bit of a lesson! Is that it? I think it is!”
Carl Spackler’s Commentary on Golf
“What an incredible Cinderella story. This unknown comes out of nowhere to lead the pack. At Augusta, he’s on his final hole. He’s about 455 yards away. He’s going to hit about a two iron, I think. Well, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet, here at Augusta. The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild. For this young Cinderella who’s come out of nowhere, he’s got about 350 yards left. He’s going to hit about a five iron, l expect. Don’t you think? He’s got a beautiful back swing. That’s – oh! He got all of that one! He’s got to be pleased with that. The crowd is just on its feet here. He’s a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He’s got about 195 yards left, and he’s gonna – looks like he’s got about an eight iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent. Cinderella story. Out of nowhere. A former greenskeeper now about to become the Master’s champion. It looks like a miraculous – it’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”
Carl Spackler’s Tall Tales
“[10:35] So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.”
“A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.”
Carl Spackler’s Interactions
“Check me if I’m wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they’re gonna lock me up and throw away the key…”
“We can do that… we don’t even have to have a reason.”
“I’d keep playing. I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna come down for quite awhile.”
“Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. A man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit – ever. They’re like the Viet Cong – Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote.”
“This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.”
“[preparing to dynamite the gopher tunnel] In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, gopher’.”
“Your place got a pool?”
“Yeah, whatta ya think?”
“Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know… credit trouble.”
“I’ll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.”
“Bark like a dog.”
“Wait up, girls; I got a salami I gotta hide still.”
“Oh, Mrs. Crane, I’m looking at you… You wore green so you could hide. I don’t blame you – you’re a tramp! Ooh! That was right where you wanted it! Ooh Mrs. Crane, you’re a little monkey woman you know that? You’re a little monkey woman… You’re lean and you’re mean and you’re not too far between either I bet, are ya? Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?”