Welcome to a collection of memorable and humorous LLOYD Quotes from the iconic Dumb and Dumber movie. Relive some of the funniest moments through the unique perspective of Lloyd Christmas.
LLOYD Quotes on Love and Relationships
“I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.”
“I knew there was an explanation. And here I thought she was standing me up.”
“Look, Mary, I know this may seem a little sudden but I’ve given it a lot of thought: You’re the woman I’ve been waiting for my whole life, and I’m not ashamed to admit it –“
“–Please, let me finish.”
“I’m crazy about you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. You make it so easy for me to tell you my innermost desires.”
“Listen to me, I feel like a schoolboy again.”
“No, that’s not what Imeant. I meant… I really like you, Mary. I like you a lot.”
“I’m gonna ask you something flat out and I want you to answer me honestly: What do you think the chances are of a girl like you and a guy like me ending up together?”
“–I asked you to be honest, Mary.”
“–Come on, give it to me straight. I rove a long way to see you, the least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?”
“You mean not good, like one out of a hundred?”
“So you’re telling me there’s a chance?”
“Husband?”
“She’s something, ain’t she, Har?”
“Guess we have to admit it, she was too good for us.”
“It’s a love memento.”
LLOYD Quotes on Friendship
“To my friend Harry the matchmaker.”
“Yeah, we used to be best friends.”
“Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve. I saw her first.”
“But you knew how crazy I was about her.”
“You said it, pal. Maybe we’re not as good friends as we thought we were.”
“I mean, if one beautiful girl could rip us apart like this, then it seems our friendship isn’t worth a damn.”
“Maybe we should call it quits right here.”
“No, I’ll go first, Harry. I was the one who got you into this mess.”
“Harry! You’re alive!”
“Look, we just wanted to say that we appreciate all you did for us during our stay.”
“Well, anyway, thanks again for everything.”
“Tell me something, Harry. Would you really have kept going home if I hadn’t come back to get you?”
“We were never Cub Scouts.”
“Isn’t this wonderful? What more could a couple of single guys like us ask for?”
“Harry, calm down! You’re acting like a wild animal!”
LLOYD Quotes on Life and Dreams
“..So anyway, as soon as I got to town I tried to look you up but I idn’t know your last name.”
“‘Course I have it. When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport, he makes sure she gets all her luggage, no matter what he has to o.”
“Well… no… I mean, you know, there were other reasons…”
“Actually, yeah, I guess I did.”
“Uh, this isn’t my real job, you know. It’s only temporary.”
“Yeah, you see, my friend Harry and I are saving up our money so we can open our own pet store.”
“I got worms.”
“That’s what we’re gonna call it: I Got Worms. We’re gonna specialize in selling worm farms you know, like ant farms. A lot of people don’t realize that worms make much better pets than ants. They’re quiet, affectionate, they don’t bite, and they’re super with the kids.”
“Uh… well, sure but they aren’t half as affectionate. And if you cut an ant’s head off, it won’t grow back.”
“And best of all, worm farming is a seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year industry. I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that pie, if you know what I mean.”
“Winners control their own destiny, Har.”
“Big deal. That car’s an old bomb anyway.”
“That’s forty-two in dog years.”
“DO you really expect me to go snooping around in someone else’s private property?”
“It’s locked.”
“Friend or foe?”
“Hey, I ordered Mystic Mint. The little swindlers gave me Peanut Butter Praline.”
“That’s a hostile pattern. I say we bail and get down to unemployment.”
“Blew it? For your information, we only missed three days in two months.”
“Give me what’s left of our dough. I’ll go to the corner and buy a few necessities.”
“What’s cheaper, Thunderbird or Night Train?”
“Excuse me, little old lady, do you have change for a dollar?”
“Well could you do me a favor and guard this while I go break a dollar? My wallet’s locked in this machine.”
“It’s gone. I got robbed by Grandma Walton. She got my wallet, too.”
“Come on, man, cheer up. We’ve been own before. I’m sure we’ll land on our heads somewhere.”
“Oh man, I’m sorry, Harry. What happened?”
“His head fell off?”
“I don’t suppose he had a warranty…?”
“That’s it! I’ve had it with this ump! We don’t have food, we don’t have jobs, our pets’ heads are falling off, we’re surrounded by roving gangs of larcenous old”
“No I won’t calm down.”
“What the hell are we doing here anyway, Harry? We’ve got to get out of this town.”
“I’ll tell you where: someplace warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.”
“I’m talking about Aspen.”
“That’s right, Aspen.”
“Let me ask you something: do you want to end up like Petey dead in some flea-ridden apartment, face-down on a Dear Abby column, with a soggy sunflower seed pressed against your beak? Or do you want to enjoy your life?”
“Come on, Harry, don’t let Petey’s eath be in vain. Don’t you see what he was saying? Spread your wings, man. he was saying? Spread your wings, man. Fly.”
“That’s bullshit. I’ll drive.”
“And what’s so wrong about going someplace where we know someone who can plug us into the social pipeline?”
“You know what I’m sick and tired of, Harry? I’m sick and tired of having to eek my way through life. I’m sick and tired of being a nobody.”
“But most of all, I’m sick and tired of having nobody.”
“On the other hand, maybe you’re right, Harry. Maybe we should stay here and try our luck in bankruptcy court. With all those lawsuits against us, I’m sure we’ll win at least one. It could be a boost to our egos.”
“Well, we’re finally doing it. Do you realize that in all the years we’ve known each other, this is the first time we’ve done this together.”
“Why’d you do that?”
“Take your seatbelt off.”
“Huh?”
“Well what about the people who live around here? What if we got into an accident with one of them?”
“Where’d you get those?”
“Bought ’em when we filled up.”
“This didn’t come out of our travel fund. I was able to scrape up twenty-five bucks before we left. You know, so we could live in style.”
“I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.”
“That’s right.”
“Just some odds and ends.”
“Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, Petey, three comic books a”
“second, are you telling me you sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Well who else was I gonna sell it to?”
“Put your mind at ease, friend. I took care of it.”
“According to this map, about an inch and a half.”
“Relax. We have more than enough.”
“And I believe I’m right, Harry.”
“How much you wanna bet?”
“What do you mean you don’t bet?”
“Oh, bull. I’ll bet you our next meal that I can get you gambling before the day’s out.”
“I’ll give you three-to-one odds. That’s three feedbags if you win, against only one if you lose.”
“Okay, five-to-one I can get you gambling before the day’s out.”
“Make it ten-to-one.”
“UH, EXCUSE ME…”
“What’s the soup du jour?”
“Sounds tasty. I’ll have a bowl.”
“FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID- back country-folk, don’t it, Harry?”
“Uh-oh…”
“You spilled the salt. That’s bad luck. We’re driving across the country and the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt over your right shoulder.”
“Because that’s good luck.”
“Or was it the left shoulder?”
“Well if you’d stop picking fights with the locals… Wait a second. I think I just had an idea. Follow me…”
“Excuse me, gentlemen, I’d just like to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier.”
“What I’m trying to say is, my friend and I would like to buy you guys a round of beers, just to bury the hatchet.”
“Whatever you want, sir. I’ll have the waitress send them over. Oh, and fellas hope to see you again down the road.”
“Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check. They said just add this to their tab.”
“Well, if that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass…”
“By the way, how far is it to Rhode Island from here?”
“I just wish we could’ve seen Sea Bass’s face when he got the bill.”
“But I gotta go. What am I supposed to do?”
“I can’t hold it. I’m about to explode.”
“Are you serious?”
“Uh-oh…”
“The bottle’s almost full and I’m still going.”
“I can’t stop once I already started, you know that. Quick, get me another bottle.”
“Here, hold this.”
“Hey, I haven’t gone all day.”
“But, your honor, he’s telling the truth. It’s not beer.”
“YOU WOULD, TOO…”
“OOH… OOH… MARY…”
“MMMM… TINGLY…”
“Nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Yep, this sure is the life. Cold beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink sheets… You know, there’s only one thing that could make this moment any better.”
“Hey, didn’t I tell you this trip would be a blast?”
“See, I told you these country folks were friendly, Harry.”
“Well the first thing we do is take a”
“good deep breath of that famous”
“Aspenese air.”
“The freshest. They say on any day of”
“the week you can smell a moose-fart”
“ten miles away.”
“Then we make a splash on the social”
“scene.”
“Harry, look the golden arches. Pull”
“over, I’m starving.”
“Look, once we drop the briefcase off”
“to Mary, she’ll be so grateful she’ll”
“plug us right into the party circuit.”
“After that, we do a little of the”
“ski”
“rubbers, and walk out of there in the spring with enough business connections to open a first-class worm operation. You see, you don’t get rich working, Harry. You get rich knowing the rich.”
“Some bum down at unemployment.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Yeah? So?”
“Hey, wait a second. Hold everything.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Back at Mickey D’s? A little matter”
“you might’ve overlooked…?”
“My change.”
“It’s a vegetable.”
“And I happen to know it’s a vegetable.”
“Fine with me.”
“Okay, Harry, my turn. Let ‘er rip.”
“Hmmm… full-bodied, delicate bouquet,”
“aged to perfection will rip no fart”
“before it’s time.”
“Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry’s”
“rules: you got ten seconds. All right.”
“I’ll say: cheese doodles, chili dog”
“extra onions, garden salad with blue…”
“Kit-Kat bar.”
“Where are your manners, Harry? We”
“have a guest.”
“Okay, you go first.”
“No, you go first.”
“Hmmm, not bad…”
“Yeah, more tingly than hot.”
“Harry Dunne, I’m surprised at you.”
“Perhaps it’s about time you brushed”
“UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD-“
“No, I mean like ‘an eye for an eye.’”
“Hand me those peppers the atomic”
“ones.”
“More like re-location.”
“Not really. I was just her limo river.”
“Life is a fragile thing, Har. One”
“minute you’re chewing on a burger;”
“the next minute you’re dead meat.”
“If you don’t count that gurgling”
“sound.”
“Hey, relax, man, I’m just as”
“responsible as you are we both”
“slipped him the peppers and look at”
“me, I on’t feel guilty at all.”
“That’s ridiculous. You probably won’t”
“live to see forty.”
“Sorry, Har. We’re gonna have to hold”
“out. Seems we misjudged our expense”
“allocation. If we pay for a motel we”
“won’t have enough for gas.”
“We over-leveraged.”
“I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper’s last”
“meal. Felt it was the least we could”
“o after we deep-sixed him.”
“The slob ordered a double-bacon eluxe”
“and a chocolate malt.”
“Drive. We’ve only got ten more hours.”
“We can take turns.”
“Come on, wake up. You pay, I’ll pump.”
“Look, Harry, I told you what happened,”
“now drop it.”
“That’s a low blow, man.”
“Listen, bud, if you’re trying to”
“imply that I’m that thought look,”
“we’re almost in Colorado.”
“Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky…”
“Boy, some guys just weren’t cut out for life on the road.”
“Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back.”
“I’d say a good five hours, anyway.”
“Should be. I’ve been averaging about ninety miles an hour all night.”
“Boy, I’ll tell you, this is one angerous highway. You wouldn’t believe all the road pizza two dead ogs, a couple of rabbits, a snake and some big thing I couldn’t even recognize.”
“I hit ’em.”
“I must say, Des Moines sure is a pretty little town.”
“Last night. We drove through it.”
“(sing-song) Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise and shine. (LAUGHS) You were the one who was asleep, numbskull. Here, take a sip of coffee. You’re delirious.”
“In our country it does, yes.”
“I’m only human, Harry. Anybody can make a mistake.”
“Come on, man, pull yourself together.”
“You don’t have a passport.”
“Come on, stop being a baby about this. Okay, so we back-tracked a tad.”
“Well it doesn’t do any good having you sitting there on your butt whining about it. If we’re gonna get out of this hole, we’re gonna have to dig ourselves out.”
“Where you going?”
“You can’t be serious.”
“(CALLING OUT) Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you never screwed up.”
“Got room for one more, if you still want to go to Aspen.”
“Used car dealer. I traded the van for it. Plus I got the guy to throw in fifty bucks for gas money. (beat) Come on, man, what do you say? We still partners?”
“Relax, it’s empty.”
“You’re so materialistic.”
“Um… good question.”
“Hmmmm… You know, I don’t believe I caught that either.”
“(brightening) Come to think of it, there is. It’s engraved right into the leather.”
“Samsonite spelled just like it sounds.”
“A little. Shall we share it?”
“Mmmm mmmm good…”
“Hmmmm… looks like an old piece of Beef Jerky.”
“You’re pathetic. Get your own.”
“Roll up your window.”
“Right here the A/C button. I put it on full blast about an hour ago and, if anything, the car’s getting colder.”
“What are you going out there for?”
“What are you worrying about now?”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, doc, I can’t take medicine. I’m a Christian Scientist!”
“What are you doing?”
“Don’t do anything foolish, Harry.”
“You’re making a big mistake, Harry! I’ll never forgive you for this!”
“Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get better, I promise! In fact, I think I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in my left molar! It’s yours, Harry, all yours!”
“No I’m not, man look.”
“Okay, here’s the plan: We borrow a few bucks just a small loan from the briefcase, and we check into a cheap motel.”
“And we’ll keep track of the money we spend with IOUs.”
“That way, whatever we borrow we can pay back.”
“You know, as soon as we get jobs.”
“Tell you what you can send up, my friend how about some chow?”
“Don’t bother. Just order us one of everything.”
“Oh, sorry. (beat) Make that two of everything.”
“And here you go, Barney. You keep us happy, we’ll keep you happy.”
“(proudly) Our first IOU. Signed and dated.”
“It’s no dream, Har. We finally cracked the big time.”
“What’s the big deal? We’re gonna pay it all back anyway, right?”
“Surfboards? I thought those were beginner’s skis.”
“Where’d this come from?”
“Harry, how many women do you know who wear a size XXL?”
“Enter, parlez vous!”
“All out of Boone’s Farm, huh?”
“Guess it’ll have to do, slugger, eh?”
“Oh, one more thing: You can dispense with the ‘sir’ crap. Let’s face it, Barney, we’re all from the same mold. (winks) We just have a little more dough than you right now.”
LLOYD Quotes on Travel and Misadventure
“Will you join me in a good luck toast before you head out?”
“Pretty snazzed out for a movie, aren’t you?”
“I see.”
“Who are you?”
“Uh-oh.”
“Uh, sir, about the briefcase, I want you to know, my friend Harry and I have every intention of reimbursing you.”
“That’s as good as money, sir. Those are our IOUs. You can add them up yourself. Every penny’s accounted for.”
“Now don’t do anything hasty, man.”
“You gotta be kidding.”
“But how did you…?”
“This joint is a little out of our budget, Barney.”
“You know what, Barney, I think we’ll take out chances down the road.”
“Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the medical school? I’m supposed to be giving a lecture in twenty minutes and my driver’s a bit lost.”
“I couldn’t help noticing the accent. You from Jersey?”
“Austria? You’re kidding.”
“Well, g’day, mate. What do you say we get together later and throw a few shrimp on the barbie.”
“Guess I won’t be going Down Under tonight…”
“This is 22.”
“Cool your jets, Arnie. I’m on my way.”
“Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?”
“Well, I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put two and two together.”
“So where you heading?”
“Oh, you’re gonna love it. I hear California’s beautiful this time of year.”
“Name’s Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.”
“What’s the matter? Little tense about the flight?”
“It’s really nothing to worry about, Mary. Statistically, they say you’re more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like in a head-on crash, or something.”
“Good thinking. There’s a lot of bad rivers out there.”
“Keep it. It was my pleasure.”
“You can’t do this! I’ll lose my job!”
“I quit.”
“I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Look… I was gonna tell you about that. It was gonna be mentioned at the reading of my will. I swear, you can ask my lawyer.”
“But how did you…?”
“Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the medical school? I’m supposed to be giving a lecture in twenty minutes and my driver’s a bit lost.”
“I couldn’t help noticing the accent. You from Jersey?”
“Austria? You’re kidding.”
“Well, g’day, mate. What do you say we get together later and throw a few shrimp on the barbie.”
“Guess I won’t be going Down Under tonight…”
“This is 22.”
“Cool your jets, Arnie. I’m on my way.”
“Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?”
“Well, I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put two and two together.”
“So where you heading?”
“Oh, you’re gonna love it. I hear California’s beautiful this time of year.”
“Name’s Christmas. Lloyd Christmas.”
“What’s the matter? Little tense about the flight?”
“It’s really nothing to worry about, Mary. Statistically, they say you’re more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like in a head-on crash, or something.”
“Good thinking. There’s a lot of bad rivers out there.”
“Keep it. It was my pleasure.”
“I don’t mean to be harsh, Harry, but let’s face it, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.”
“Of course not.”
“I had a hunch Arnie was gonna fire me.”
“What the hell are we doing here anyway, Harry? We’ve got to get out of this town.”
“I’ll tell you where: someplace warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.”
“I’m talking about Aspen.”
“That’s right, Aspen.”
“Well, we’re finally doing it. Do you realize that in all the years we’ve known each other, this is the first time we’ve done this together.”
“Why’d you do that?”
“Take your seatbelt off.”
“Huh?”
“Well what about the people who live around here? What if we got into an accident with one of them?”
“Where’d you get those?”
“Bought ’em when we filled up.”
“This didn’t come out of our travel fund. I was able to scrape up twenty-five bucks before we left. You know, so we could live in style.”
“I sold some stuff to Billy in 4-C.”
“That’s right.”
“Just some odds and ends.”
“Oh, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, Petey, three comic books a”
“second, are you telling me you sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Well who else was I gonna sell it to?”
“Put your mind at ease, friend. I took care of it.”
“According to this map, about an inch and a half.”
“Relax. We have more than enough.”
“FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE WITH THESE LAID- back country-folk, don’t it, Harry?”
“Uh-oh…”
“You spilled the salt. That’s bad luck. We’re driving across the country and the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss a handful of salt over your right shoulder.”
“Because that’s good luck.”
“Or was it the left shoulder?”
“Well if you’d stop picking fights with the locals… Wait a second. I think I just had an idea. Follow me…”
“Excuse me, gentlemen, I’d just like to apologize for that unpleasant scene a little earlier.”
“What I’m trying to say is, my friend and I would like to buy you guys a round of beers, just to bury the hatchet.”
“Whatever you want, sir. I’ll have the waitress send them over. Oh, and fellas hope to see you again down the road.”
“Um, Sea Bass and the fellas offered to pick up our check. They said just add this to their tab.”
“Well, if that guy at the table over there is Sea Bass…”
“By the way, how far is it to Rhode Island from here?”
“I just wish we could’ve seen Sea Bass’s face when he got the bill.”
“But I gotta go. What am I supposed to do?”
“I can’t hold it. I’m about to explode.”
“Are you serious?”
“Uh-oh…”
“The bottle’s almost full and I’m still going.”
“I can’t stop once I already started, you know that. Quick, get me another bottle.”
“Here, hold this.”
“Hey, I haven’t gone all day.”
“But, your honor, he’s telling the truth. It’s not beer.”
“YOU WOULD, TOO…”
“OOH… OOH… MARY…”
“MMMM… TINGLY…”
“Nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Yep, this sure is the life. Cold beer, a hot tube, and fuzzy pink sheets… You know, there’s only one thing that could make this moment any better.”
“Hey, didn’t I tell you this trip would be a blast?”
“See, I told you these country folks were friendly, Harry.”
“Well the first thing we do is take a”
“good deep breath of that famous”
“Aspenese air.”
“The freshest. They say on any day of”
“the week you can smell a moose-fart”
“ten miles away.”
“Then we make a splash on the social”
“scene.”
“Harry, look the golden arches. Pull”
“over, I’m starving.”
“Look, once we drop the briefcase off”
“to Mary, she’ll be so grateful she’ll”
“plug us right into the party circuit.”
“After that, we do a little of the”
“ski”
“rubbers, and walk out of there in the spring with enough business connections to open a first-class worm operation. You see, you don’t get rich working, Harry. You get rich knowing the rich.”
“Some bum down at unemployment.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Yeah? So?”
“Hey, wait a second. Hold everything.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Back at Mickey D’s? A little matter”
“you might’ve overlooked…?”
“My change.”
“It’s a vegetable.”
“And I happen to know it’s a vegetable.”
“Fine with me.”
“Okay, Harry, my turn. Let ‘er rip.”
“Hmmm… full-bodied, delicate bouquet,”
“aged to perfection will rip no fart”
“before it’s time.”
“Come on, Marquis of Dingleberry’s”
“rules: you got ten seconds. All right.”
“I’ll say: cheese doodles, chili dog”
“extra onions, garden salad with blue…”
“Kit-Kat bar.”
“Where are your manners, Harry? We”
“have a guest.”
“Okay, you go first.”
“No, you go first.”
“Hmmm, not bad…”
“Yeah, more tingly than hot.”
“Harry Dunne, I’m surprised at you.”
“Perhaps it’s about time you brushed”
“UP ON A LITTLE TOME THAT WE GOD-“
“No, I mean like ‘an eye for an eye.’”
“Hand me those peppers the atomic”
“ones.”
“More like re-location.”
“Not really. I was just her limo river.”
“Life is a fragile thing, Har. One”
“minute you’re chewing on a burger;”
“the next minute you’re dead meat.”
“If you don’t count that gurgling”
“sound.”
“Hey, relax, man, I’m just as”
“responsible as you are we both”
“slipped him the peppers and look at”
“me, I on’t feel guilty at all.”
“That’s ridiculous. You probably won’t”
“live to see forty.”
“Sorry, Har. We’re gonna have to hold”
“out. Seems we misjudged our expense”
“allocation. If we pay for a motel we”
“won’t have enough for gas.”
“We over-leveraged.”
“I sprung for Mr. Chili Pepper’s last”
“meal. Felt it was the least we could”
“o after we deep-sixed him.”
“The slob ordered a double-bacon eluxe”
“and a chocolate malt.”
“Drive. We’ve only got ten more hours.”
“We can take turns.”
“Come on, wake up. You pay, I’ll pump.”
“Look, Harry, I told you what happened,”
“now drop it.”
“That’s a low blow, man.”
“Listen, bud, if you’re trying to”
“imply that I’m that thought look,”
“we’re almost in Colorado.”
“Hey, I picked you up a Beef Jerky…”
“Boy, some guys just weren’t cut out for life on the road.”
“Hey, Mr. Sleepy Head, welcome back.”
“I’d say a good five hours, anyway.”
“Should be. I’ve been averaging about ninety miles an hour all night.”
“Boy, I’ll tell you, this is one angerous highway. You wouldn’t believe all the road pizza two dead ogs, a couple of rabbits, a snake and some big thing I couldn’t even recognize.”
“I hit ’em.”
“I must say, Des Moines sure is a pretty little town.”
“Last night. We drove through it.”
“(sing-song) Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Rise and shine. (LAUGHS) You were the one who was asleep, numbskull. Here, take a sip of coffee. You’re delirious.”
“In our country it does, yes.”
“I’m only human, Harry. Anybody can make a mistake.”
“Come on, man, pull yourself together.”
“You don’t have a passport.”
“Come on, stop being a baby about this. Okay, so we back-tracked a tad.”
“Well it doesn’t do any good having you sitting there on your butt whining about it. If we’re gonna get out of this hole, we’re gonna have to dig ourselves out.”
“Where you going?”
“You can’t be serious.”
“(CALLING OUT) Thanks a lot, Mr. Perfect. Like you never screwed up.”
“Got room for one more, if you still want to go to Aspen.”
“Used car dealer. I traded the van for it. Plus I got the guy to throw in fifty bucks for gas money. (beat) Come on, man, what do you say? We still partners?”
“Relax, it’s empty.”
“Um… good question.”
“Hmmmm… You know, I don’t believe I caught that either.”
“(brightening) Come to think of it, there is. It’s engraved right into the leather.”
“Samsonite spelled just like it sounds.”
“A little. Shall we share it?”
“Mmmm mmmm good…”
“Hmmmm… looks like an old piece of Beef Jerky.”
“You’re pathetic. Get your own.”
“Roll up your window.”
“Right here the A/C button. I put it on full blast about an hour ago and, if anything, the car’s getting colder.”
“What are you going out there for?”
“What are you worrying about now?”
“Huh?”
“Sorry, doc, I can’t take medicine. I’m a Christian Scientist!”
“What are you doing?”
“Don’t do anything foolish, Harry.”
“You’re making a big mistake, Harry! I’ll never forgive you for this!”
“Harry, hold up! Things are gonna get better, I promise! In fact, I think I feel another piece of Beef Jerky in my left molar! It’s yours, Harry, all yours!”
“No I’m not, man look.”
“Okay, here’s the plan: We borrow a few bucks just a small loan from the briefcase, and we check into a cheap motel.”
“And we’ll keep track of the money we spend with IOUs.”
“That way, whatever we borrow we can pay back.”
“You know, as soon as we get jobs.”
“Tell you what you can send up, my friend how about some chow?”
“Don’t bother. Just order us one of everything.”
“Oh, sorry. (beat) Make that two of everything.”
“And here you go, Barney. You keep us happy, we’ll keep you happy.”
“(proudly) Our first IOU. Signed and dated.”
“It’s no dream, Har. We finally cracked the big time.”
“What’s the big deal? We’re gonna pay it all back anyway, right?”
“Surfboards? I thought those were beginner’s skis.”
“Where’d this come from?”
“Harry, how many women do you know who wear a size XXL?”
“Enter, parlez vous!”
“All out of Boone’s Farm, huh?”
“Guess it’ll have to do, slugger, eh?”
“Oh, one more thing: You can dispense with the ‘sir’ crap. Let’s face it, Barney, we’re all from the same mold. (winks) We just have a little more dough than you right now.”
Other Notable LLOYD Quotes
“What?”
“Do ya think…?”
“I see.”
“Uh-oh.”
“This is 22.”
“Cool your jets, Arnie. I’m on my way.”
“Huh?”
“Right here the A/C button. I put it on full blast about an hour ago and, if anything, the car’s getting colder.”