This compilation of Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie Quotes aims to capture the humor, the challenges, and the everyday experiences of middle school life as seen through the eyes of Greg Heffley.
Funny Quotes
GREG: Okay, first of all, let me get something straight. This is a journal, not a diary.
GREG: The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because when I’m rich and famous I’ll have better things to do than answer people’s stupid questions all day long.
GREG: But seriously, who wants to see a movie about a kid who’s stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons?
RODRICK: Three days, no shower. Smell the love!
RODRICK: You’ll be dead or homeschooled by the end of the year, anyway.
GREG: Let me just say for the record that I think middle school may be the dumbest idea ever invented.
GREG: I’m smaller than about 95% of the kids at my school… so thank God for Chirag Gupta.
ROWLEY: Remember how I said Rowley wasn’t middle school ready? Well, there you go.
ROWLEY: Is 200 good or bad?
GREG: Fregley. Sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.
MALONE: P.E. Is as much a part of my life as waking up in the morning and going to the bathroom.
ROWLEY: Why are we Skins? I hate this.
ROWLEY: My name is Bell E. Button. What’s yours?
GREG: We just have to outrun Chirag!
ANGIE: This place is an intellectual wasteland.
GREG: Besides, getting crushed is better than being seen with that freak job.
CHIRAG: Darren touched the cheese!
CHIRAG: It was worse than nuclear cooties!
DIETER: Ze Cheese Touch? Vat is it? Vat does it mean, ze Cheese Touch?
GREG: The cafeteria, possibly the cruelest place on Earth.
GREG: Fregley must have bumped his head when he was little, like, really hard.
ROWLEY: You want to come over and play?
GREG: “Play,” Rowley? “Play”? I’ve told you, like, a billion times that guys our age say “hang out,” not “play.”
ROWLEY: I found half a Snickers bar down there.
RODRICK: Was your first day as crappy as I said it would be?
RODRICK: I told you not to talk, look or go anywhere, and what happened? He had to eat his lunch on the floor.
RODRICK: The only chance you have of making the yearbook is when they dedicate it to your memory.
RODRICK: It’s the bass solo, Turd Burglar! Don’t you know anything about music?
RODRICK: Time out, Rodrick. I have to pee.
RODRICK: No time outs. Only death!
GREG: Patty, Patty is a fatty, has a face just like a ratty!
GREG: Well, the people are mostly idiots, so I guess, technically speaking, we’re the voice of the people making fun of the people.
GREG: You’re the people. Got it.
GREG: That girl is crazy town.
GREG: These don’t look like wrestling costumes to me.
MALONE: It’s not a competition because everyone here is already a superstar to me.
GREG: If I have to wrestle Benny Wells, he’ll kill me!
MALONE: And we got two Chihuahuas. Yeah.
FREGLEY: This is fun, Greg Heffley!
GREG: I can’t lose to Fregley again.
GREG: It’s like he had superhuman strength!
SUSAN: I think your body looks beautiful just the way it is.
RODRICK: You never sign up for anything at school. You fly below the radar. That way you never raise anyone’s expectations.
GREG: My mom’s ankle weights.
PATTY: Don’t be such a wuss, Heffley.
GREG: She’s a girl! Where do I grab her?
GREG: Why does she even want to wrestle? Who knows? Girls are very confusing.
GREG: A butt can’t be cute. It’s a butt.
GREG: Fashion is easy. You wear a shirt and a tie, and kids are impressed.
ROWLEY: I wanted to be matchers.
NARRATOR: Gag me with a spoon.
BROCK: Brock Branigan P.I.! What are you doing here?
GREG: The problem with Rowley is that he’s not enough like me.
GREG: Look at this stuff. Too babyish and weird. Too “Why don’t you just punch me now?”
GREG: What are you, a foreign exchange student? Oh, man. This one we burn.
ROWLEY: That was a present from my mom.
GREG: Well, then your mom is trying to get you killed.
GREG: You look like one of the Seven Dwarfs.
GREG: One strap is cool.
ROWLEY: But there’s two straps. Why would they put on two straps if you’re only supposed to use one?
GREG: Because the guys who make backpacks aren’t cool.
ROWLEY: You know what has one strap? Machine guns.
ROWLEY: Purses?
ROWLEY: But Joshie is cool.
GREG: Rowley, Joshie is not cool. He’s a lip-synching pop star whose fans are eight-year-old girls.
ROWLEY: You’re just jealous that I was the one who discovered him.
ROWLEY: Joshie says to respect your parents and follow your dreams.
GREG: Then Joshie must get beaten up a lot.
GREG: You actually almost look as good as me. Am I great at this or what?
ROWLEY: Cute butt!
GREG: You’re killing me, you know that?
GREG: From space?
GREG: Shut up, tool.
RODRICK: Going to the North Side, huh? Takes you right past the Devil Worshiper Woods.
RODRICK: And to this day, on Halloween night, you can still hear the demonic laughter of the devil worshiper ghosts as they roam the woods, looking for more kids to sacrifice!
SUSAN: What if somebody hears? Then they’ll know how much he loves you.
FRANK: They’re gonna get drenched from the roof.
FRANK: My legs, they hurt from the squatting. So, that’s why I’m doing it from the roof this year. So I can see when they’re coming.
GREG: Did I tell you or did I tell you? These people have money to burn!
CARTER: Hey, reflector dude, nice costume!
ROWLEY: Thanks! My mom made it…
CARTER: Oh, that was awesome!
GREG: Uh-oh. Oh, boy. Run!
PETE: Come on, you babies! I’m gonna kick your butts!
PETE: Yeah? You and what army?
PETE: You guys are so lucky you can hide in there behind your mommy!
GREG: No, we aren’t! It’s not our house! It’s his grandma’s and she’s not even home!
CARTER: Did he just say that?
GREG: Oops. Now they’re never gonna leave.
PETE: You have any threes? Go fish.
GREG: Just back off! I don’t want to hurt anybody, we just want to walk away and forget this ever happened. Nobody needs to be a hero! Whoa!
PETE: I’m gonna rip off your arms and punch you in the face with your own fists!
ROWLEY: The Devil Worshiper Woods! No way!
PETE: Hey! Stay right there! We’re gonna get you!
PETE: This isn’t over!
ROWLEY: I’m really scared! Just keep running!
ROWLEY: Did you hear that? It’s the devil worshipers.
GREG: Sorry. I was… I thought you were teenagers.
BOY: Maybe next year, Pops!
GREG: I don’t know. I don’t speak Russian.
GREG: Safety Patrol. The cops of middle school. You boss people around, report the jerks, and miss class three times a week.
MR. WINSKY: Safety Patrol is a sacred trust.
MR. WINSKY: Because today’s litterer and jaywalker is tomorrow’s window breaker and graffiti vandal, and it’s our job to stop it.
MR. WINSKY: Just remember, with great power… comes great responsibility.
ROWLEY: Do we get free stuff? Free hot cocoa. Could this day get any better?
GREG: You rejected the school paper, but you joined the Safety Patrol? Look, are you working your way down the evolutionary ladder?
ROWLEY: What?
GREG: Look, Safety Patrol is the lowest of the low, the geekiest of the geeky, the Island of Misfit Toys.
ROWLEY: You’re just jealous they don’t trust you to keep our school safe.
GREG: Keep it straight, people. Single-file line, one by one.
RODRICK: Come on, man, just pull my finger. I swear to God, I’m not gonna do anything.
Life in Middle School Quotes
GREG: This just proves Mom doesn’t understand anything about kids my age.
GREG: Mom got me this thing so I could write down my feelings about starting middle school. But I’m gonna be fine.
GREG: It’s my best friend, Rowley Jefferson, I’m worried about. He’s definitely not middle school ready.
GREG: He’s not quite clear on the concept of growing up.
GREG: But anyway, this is about me, not Rowley.
GREG: I always figured they’d make a movie about my life. But I didn’t think they’d start the story here.
RODRICK: Mom asked me to give you some advice about middle school. It’s real simple. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t look at anyone. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t sit down. Don’t raise your hand. Don’t go to the bathroom. Don’t get noticed. Don’t choose the wrong locker. Don’t… Who am I kidding?
FRANK: I think it’s gross and undignified that I have to eat breakfast next to him on the potty.
SUSAN: Okay, well, it’s your fault he’s still potty training.
SUSAN: Don’t look down, Manny. The potty monster doesn’t like it when you look at him.
SUSAN: Can’t be late for your first day of school.
GREG: You got kids like me who haven’t hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with gorillas who have to shave twice a day. There’s juvenile delinquents and weirdos.
GREG: One bad move and you’re stuck next to some idiot for the rest of the year.
ANGIE: It all starts in middle school, you know? You’re not a kid anymore. The coddling has stopped. Kids are now separated by intelligence. The weak are picked on. And girls you’ve known since kindergarten won’t even talk to you anymore.
ANGIE: This place is a glorified holding pen. It’s where adults put you as you make that awkward transition between child and teenager so they don’t even have to look at you.
GREG: Trust me, you can’t recover from social suicide.
GREG: I’m not pooping until I’m in high school.
GREG: Right now I have to take abuse from these morons. But in 20 years, Quentin here will be working for me.
GREG: I can’t be the guy who eats off his lap in the cafeteria. I should be at the top of the food chain by now. Something’s got to change, fast.
GREG: My mom told me to just be myself and people would like me. That would be good advice if you were somebody else.
GREG: See this? This is where a person like me needs to be. The class favorites. They’re the best in their class. These people aren’t nobodies. They’re famous. They don’t have to worry about getting a seat in the cafeteria, either.
GREG: This thing holds all the answers. Rowley, this thing is like a bible.
GREG: There’s tons of things I qualify for. “Most Likely To Succeed,” “Best Looking,” “Class Clown.” They should just give that to me right now.
GREG: They’ll think we’re on their team.
GREG: Girls are very confusing. Like today, I heard someone in the hallway say that Bryce Anderson has a cute butt. What does that even mean?
GREG: I don’t see why girls our age can’t talk just like regular people.
GREG: Two words. Best Dressed.
GREG: You know, maybe Rodrick was right about Rowley. Maybe I do need a new best friend. But I can’t just ditch him. I mean, if anybody has a better idea, I’d love to hear it.
NARRATOR: In this school, much like your own, one boy is about to learn an important lesson about self-worth and esteem.
GREG: Why doesn’t anybody like me?
BROCK: Maybe because they don’t know how awesome you really are.
GREG: I don’t know about anyone else, but I know what I learned. It is awesome to be me.
GREG: The problem with Rowley is that he’s not enough like me. I can’t ditch him ’cause he’d be lost without me. But maybe I can fix him. Because that’s the kind of friend I am.
GREG: You know what has one strap? Machine guns. You know what else? Electric guitars.
ROWLEY: You know what else? Purses?
GREG: Look, Rowley, tonight’s Halloween, our favorite night of the year, so, just promise me you won’t wear, do or say anything weird.
GREG: We got to stay in this neighborhood the rest of the night.
ROWLEY: I can’t believe we got this much candy. This is, like, the best day ever.
GREG: We’re totally exposed!
GREG: It’s times like these that make me realize Rowley’s pretty lucky to have me as a friend.
Friendship Quotes
GREG: It’s my best friend, Rowley Jefferson, I’m worried about.
GREG: He’s an excellent buffer between me and these morons.
GREG: Hey, Greg. Hey, fella!
ROWLEY: Greg!
GREG: Hey, guys. So this guy says to that guy, “You wanna come over and play?” Yeah! Do you guys wanna play with us?
ROWLEY: Am I great at this or what?
GREG: We could try for cutest friends!
ANGIE: But, you know, it’s nice to meet someone more interested in his mind than in his body.
ANGIE: I survived all of the sixth grade here. And I would enjoy some like-minded company to get me through the seventh.
GREG: And don’t be seen with Rowley.
GREG: Rowley!
GREG: Rowley, if you had to say where you were ranked in terms of popularity from one to 200, where would you put yourself?
GREG: Hey! We could try for cutest friends!
GREG: And don’t be seen with Rowley.
GREG: Shoulder to shoulder. Shoulder to shoulder.
GREG: That was close. Too close.
GREG: It’s times like these that make me realize Rowley’s pretty lucky to have me as a friend.
Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
MR. WINSKY: You become an enforcer of the laws of this school, because today’s litterer and jaywalker is tomorrow’s window breaker and graffiti vandal, and it’s our job to stop it. So I ask you, are you up for the job?
MR. WINSKY: Then welcome to Safety Patrol.
SUSAN: Well, Greg, I think it’s great that you took the initiative to learn something new. This is like the first step to responsibility!
RODRICK: Thank you, Rodrick, for those words of motivational wisdom, but perhaps a better way to look at it is that it’s a chance to learn to excel at something.
BROCK: So go for it! Show them how awesome you really are!
ROWLEY: Joshie says to respect your parents and follow your dreams.
Family Quotes
SUSAN: That’s our boy up there. Why did I ever say no to him?
FRANK: Greg, what are you doing up making all this noise?
GREG: It was Rodrick! He woke me up! He changed my clock!
FRANK: Go to bed.
SUSAN: Bubby!
RODRICK: Thanks for the eggs, Mom.
SUSAN: Okay. Kiss him you’re sorry and then let’s get a move on.
RODRICK: Hey, little brother. Was your first day as crappy as I said it would be? No. Not at all. You were wrong. It was actually better than I… Worse.
RODRICK: You didn’t listen to me, did you?
GREG: You’re gonna have to come out sometime, loser! I’ll wait here as long as it takes. and then, you’re dead.
GREG: Greg started it! I just came in here to take a shower! He’s lying! He was gonna kill me ’cause I was in his room!
SUSAN: And so you peed on him?
GREG: Yes. I mean, no. I mean… Yes.
SUSAN: Greg, save some for everybody else, honey.
RODRICK: What did I tell you would happen if you ever went in my room again? But your band is still playing.
SUSAN: Why would you sign up for something you don’t have to do?
SUSAN: My boss’s son Will was smaller than you, but he built himself up with the weights!
SUSAN: We could get you the same equipment. You could train, get the right nutrition, cardio. You’d be in tip-top shape just like Will. And it would only take, like, three months.
GREG: I’ll just stick to eating.
SUSAN: Ever hear of Title IX? Her parents threatened to sue, so you show her what it’s like to wrestle a real live boy.
SUSAN: Bubby! Mom, can you tell him to stop calling me that? What if somebody hears? Then they’ll know how much he loves you.
FRANK: No, I can’t. I got to guard the house in case someone tries to T.P. Us.
SUSAN: Honey, for goodness sakes, don’t do that again. Remember what happened last year?
FRANK: I got you!
SUSAN: And no North Side! We promise!
ROWLEY: Wow, you’re lucky. My mom doesn’t let me play with makeup anymore.
GREG: My grandma’s house! Quickly!
ROWLEY: Open the door! Get the key!
GREG: Okay. Okay.
ROWLEY: Open the door! Get it!
ROWLEY: They’re coming! Now!
GREG: My dad got me a weight-lifting set. Do you know how many video games I could’ve gotten instead? I had to get out of there before he expected me to, like, use it.
ROWLEY: And we’re going to take a family trip to New York City for New Year’s Eve!
ROWLEY: My dad’s still annoyed at you. For what?