Here are some of the most insightful Bruce Quotes from the movie: Bruce Almighty.
Bruce Quotes on Life and Perspective
“Hmm. I guess that’s how life is, isn’t it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death, on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.”
“Oh, well. No big deal.”
“Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?”
“Eroding, eeeeroding, eeeeerodding.”
“I’m Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you…”
“Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don’t like it? Megabyte me.”
“[chuckles] This is hilarious. So you’re the boss and the electrician and the janitor. Must be a killer Christmas party. Don’t get drunk, though. One of you might need a ride home.”
“Yes, behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes, folks!”
“Bruce: [revving his car] Come on, come on… Start!”
“Bruce: That was luck.”
“Bruce: What up with thee.”
“Bruce: [looking in mirror and doing a Walter Cronkite impression] That’s the way it was… and that’s the way the cookie crumbles… and That’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it uh HUH uh HUH.”
“Bruce Nolan: Okay? Newsflash: I’m not okay. I’m not okay with a mediocre job! I’m not okay with a mediocre apartment! I’m not okay with a mediocre life!”
“Bruce Nolan: [as he leaves the apartment in frustration] Perfect. Perfect! I’ll have the worst day of my life with a side order of GUILT please!”
“Bruce: I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self.”
“Bruce: Imagine what I could do in seven…”
“Bruce: What is with that?”
“Bruce: It’s good. It’s goooooood!”
“Bruce: No, but I’m late!”
“Bruce: This will suck up my whole life.”
Bruce Quotes on Faith and Divinity
“Lord, feed the hungry, and bring peace to all of mankind. How’s that?”
“No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.”
“There were so many. I just gave them all what they want.”
“Are you spying on me? Who are you?”
“Oh, I see where this is going.”
“Maybe I should be more like Evan.”
“Well, I can be an asshole.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“Where are you going?”
“Give me a break!”
“Is this heaven?”
“I’m DEAD?”
“That’s not funny, Man! That is NOT funny.”
“Okay, now you’re just showing off.”
“Love me. Love me.”
“Smite me, oh mighty Smiter!”
C’mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You’re the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!”
“Bruce: [using a gesture to light up five candles] Let there be light!”
Bruce Quotes on Love and Relationships
“Morning.”
“Ooo, my favey.”
“Heavenly? I know, I know…”
“Uh, what? Your… uh… bigger?”
“Listen, I uh, have to go. But this has been the breast beck… breast… thank you.”
“Where are you going?”
“To get my job back.”
“Bruce: hoooooooooome!”
“Bruce: You can call me Bruce.”
“Bruce: Why shouldn’t I be? On a night like this.”
“Bruce: Last night I was only human.”
“Bruce: Barry, help me out here.”
“Bruce: Don’t rush yourself! Sometimes anticipation can heighten the… pleasure.”
“Bruce: It’s a funny thing about pleasure.”
“Bruce: It can be quite… PLEASURABLE!”
“Bruce: Yeah…”
“Bruce: Bedroom?”
“Bruce: [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog!”
“Bruce: [He finishes his report, and Grace comes up to him] Hey…”
“Bruce: How was that?”
“Bruce: Yeah?”
“Bruce: Ooo baby.”
“Bruce: [He finds a particular photo amongst the others] Woah, hold the phone. I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.”
“Bruce: [Staring at it] You look perky, hun. Must’ve been cold.”
“Bruce: You know I think I’ll put this on my computer and use it as a wallpaper.”
“Bruce: Hey! Hey! No no no!”
“Bruce: I will do with it what I will. You know, I might even send this into Playboy. I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.”
“Bruce: [Grace has walked out angrily after catching Bruce kissing Susan Ortega. Bruce is running after her] Grace! Grace, come here!”
“Bruce: Grace, this is so weird, I was just calling you!”
“Bruce: She kissed me! I’m the kissee!”
“Bruce: I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she’s really strong. Okay, I screwed up! Can I make it up to you?”
“Bruce: What?”
“Bruce: Grace, don’t do this!”
“Bruce: You can’t leave me! I’m the Alpha, lady! I’m the Omega, baby! Okay, fine. I don’t need you!”
Bruce Quotes on Ambition and Career
“Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber – pardon me, Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I’m here with Katherine Hepburn’s mom. Tell me, why did you toss the blue heart of the ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown, while you were safe floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?”
“Bill, you’ve been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn’t get the anchor job?”
“I’m Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you…”
“Bruce: [at the bakery, pausing the news broadcast for the interview, Vol is picking his nose] It’s a good thing I’m wearing this”
“Bruce: [tugs at hair net] because I wouldn’t want any stray hairs falling into the booger!”
“Bruce: I’m Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose… Eyewitness Nose… that’s right!”
“Bruce Nolan: Vol? Vol? You want a tissue or something? Can we get Vol a tissue… or a spoon?”
“Bruce: [measuring the diameter Buffalo’s cookie] And the cookie is… ten feet and four inches! That’s a record!”
“Bruce: [He finishes his report, and Grace comes up to him] Hey…”
“Bruce: Alright, now we’re gettin’ somewhere. Let’s see… Filbert Davis, Gym Class.”
“Bruce: Lemme get a visual on this.”
“Bruce: [footage shows Buffalo’s Largest Cookie arriving outside Kowolski’s Bakery; The Bakers help measure the cookie; as “Reporter”] The previous Buffalo record was 8 feet, 7 inches, baked by Gladys Pelnick. If this beats Galdys’, it will prove once and for all that the Kowolskis have much more free time. And the cookie is… 10 feet, 4 inches.”
“Bruce: [Everyone cheers] We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.”
“Bruce: [as the camera looks at the Kowolskis for the seconds at one point] But what are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie, or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo, its dedicated and hardworking citizens the key ingredient, with a few nuts thrown in, and, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center, making out beloved Buffalo, the sweetest place to live. And that’s the way the cookie crumbles. I’m Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.”