These Beyond the Valley of the Dolls Movie Quotes capture the unique spirit and memorable moments of this cult classic.
Funny Quotes
“Hey, don’t bogart the joint, friends.”
“Cool it, man. I need it more than you.”
“I don’t know, maybe all you need is love.”
“The principal’s gonna hit me with a few caps of acid.”
“Are you trying to make love to me? Hell no.”
“Then what are you trying to do? I’m trying not to.”
“Well, if you wanna make love, then let’s make love.”
“Here? No, in L.A.”
“L.A.? Where is that?”
“We’d get crushed.”
“Not us.”
“Smog. Can’t see. Climb a tall tree.”
“Lousy traffic. Love to walk.”
“No culture. Grooves.”
“Cold and cruel. Swimming pools.”
“Phony city. It’s so pretty.”
“Religious nuts. Takes all kinds.”
“Noisy. Noisy. Soul-beat brother.”
“Tinsel town. Solid city.”
“Gaudy. Ugly. Gassy. Classy.”
“Cheap anyhow. Yeah, like wow.”
“Very dirty. Simon-pure.”
“Dull scene. My dream.”
“Square, hey. No way.”
“Sick and low. Living show.”
“It’s got no class. Nothing but.”
“Empty. No heart. Full, sweetheart.”
“No-talent town. Don’t put it down.”
“Junkie heaven. Not for me.”
“Dishonest clowns. Sincere.”
“Perverts. Fruits. Swingers. Kooks.”
“Obvious. Stinks. Full-length minks.”
“All strangers. Not all.”
“Like who? My aunt.”
“Since when? Since Aunt Susan.”
“Oh, yeah? Rich Aunt Susan.”
“Bitch Aunt Susan.”
“Got my share. Of what? The bread.”
“Cool head. So we go? So go!”
“So all we need now is your long-lost Aunt… What’s her name?”
“Her name is Susan Lake.”
“Doesn’t she look like a cow?”
“Porter, you have an unending capacity for counterfeit astonishment.”
“Groovy town.”
“When I’m with you, pussycat, who needs grass?”
“He snowed in his pants.”
“You know what he uses for deodorant? Raid.”
“Cool, man.”
“And you’re a moonchild. And you’re a bitch.”
“I think it’s better after the change.”
“I’m with you.”
“Then Tony said, ‘Come over to my pad. I’ve got a wading pool of mayonnaise!’”
“She went after me like a barracuda.”
“I warned you, you old fruit.”
“Classics Benjamin.”
“Bad trip.”
“It wasn’t long, but four inches thick.”
“Ever been whipped with a wand… until the blood came?”
“Cool it! You’ll rupture your tongue.”
“Feel it, my pretty? The night is filled with magic.”
“I was so anxious, I stepped on her face.”
“Every inch as ugly as you are, Susan. Must run in the family.”
“Come on, babe, I’ll show you the dump.”
“What can I get you, juice or grass?”
“Delicious.”
“Beware, fair maiden, of Emerson Thorne. Behind that friendly mask… lies fermenting the unholy seed of a lawyer.”
“Could that be another face of Martin Bormann?”
“This is my happening and it freaks me out!”
“It’s a stone gas, man.”
“Pray, we must make haste. My time is not my own. Before the clock strikes 12, I must be back at Forest Lawn.”
“Come. I know of a cozy, little dungeon… where just the two of us can curl up with the chains and a spider.”
“Delighted to see my hostages in such happy dalliance. Pray, let them joust in peace.”
“You’re not helping the situation any, I must say. Out. Out.”
“Count Dracula relishes an audience, only one at a time.”
“What is this, a studio tour?”
“This looks like the… Master’s bedroom. Can you dig it?”
“Follow me, my dear. Let me show you one of my preoccupations.”
“And this is the master’s bath.”
“Hey, I’ve heard about trees growing in Brooklyn, but ferns in the biffy?”
“Class.”
“The idea came to me in a vision.”
“Every morning, I luxuriate in my bath.”
“I dig, man. You’re on an ego trip. But what about the ferns? Let’s call them tropical varieties.”
“They thrive on the humidity… and they never let me forget that all Los Angeles is a jungle.”
“I guess liquor’s considered kind of square these days. Same as grass. It depends on how you use it.”
“Better than the zoo.”
“Putting people down for having a good time?”
“On the contrary, my dear. But this is hardly my idea of a civilized good time.”
“Men. Ninety-nine percent.”
“Come into my den,” said the spider, et cetera.”
“Where do you get this ‘anybody I know’ business? From one of those pornographic movies you star in?”
“You mean my controversial, box-office blockbusters?”
“So you’re an ear freak?”
“Name some more.”
“All right, then. How about a toe freak? I need it. I want it. A beautiful woman kissing me between the toes.”
“People who wear sandals must not get very many volunteers.”
“I could change. Into something more titillating?”
“That sounds vaguely obscene.”
“You’re a groovy boy. I’d like to strap you on sometime.”
“And if there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s vagueness.”
“A deathly dry gin martini.”
“Perfect timing. I was looking for the john.”
“Z-Man Barzell is a very rich cat, but he doesn’t have a john in the kitchen.”
“Maybe I was looking for a sandwich.”
“This ain’t no welfare line.”
“Then what are you standing in it for? Getting my thing together.”
“You putting me on? Unmasked again.”
“He poses as a busboy… but in real life, he’s Emerson Thorne… ambitious, young law student… who studies by day and waits by night.”
“I was going to say something smart-ass, but all of a sudden you know what? No. What? Suddenly, I knew you weren’t putting me on… that you were Emerson Thorne, ambitious, young law student… and all that crap.”
“What about that kiss and all that crap? There’s more where that came from, Emerson Thorne.”
“Don’t sweat it. It can be a drag.”
“Am I interrupting something? Harris! Only a little make out session between Count Dracula… and Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley.”
“Any friend of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley is a friend of mine.”
“Manager?”
“The Kelly Affair?”
“You mean, you’re the Kelly? Little did I suspect I was in the presence. Still, that name won’t do, you know. It’s awfully 1950s. Might as well call them The Haircuts.”
“You have not yet graced our gathering with a song. Come, my dove. I must present you to the faithful. Now!”
“Ladies and gentlemen, an announcement if you please. There is a new rock group in the house. Their name, The Kelly Affair. Well, even their best friends don’t like their name. Still, as the teen tycoon of rock, I’d like to hear them and I’m sure you would too. The Kelly Affair.”
“I’d like to strap you on sometime. Stop! Cool it! Cool it!”
“Masters and mistresses, I’m so excited about what I’ve just heard… I predict these three, like their sister before them, Carrie Nation… will crush the musical barrier and rise like angels. Did I say ‘like Carrie Nation’? Nay, nay, they are The Carrie Nations. You’ll be superstars!”
“We killed them, didn’t we?”
“You’ve reached the unreachable star… beat the unbeatable foe. The Times and free-press critics will pay homage.”
“Ronnie, we owe everything to you, man!”
“My fine countess, your melodious voice… surpasses the haunting pipes of Circe. Beauteous Pet of triumph, you were a thunderstorm. Casey, mistress fair… this stringed assault has left my ears fiercely vibrating. Majestic!”
“You played some funky drums out there.”
“I’m glad you dug it.”
“So, what’s not to dig?”
“Did you hear the wondrous miracle… wrought by my muses?”
“You’ve done it again, Ronnie. Again and again.”
“Porter, methinks this brew is not for your more delicate sensibilities. Courage, Camille.”
“And you, the infamous Ashley St. Ives… high priestess of carnality, what thinkest thou of our minstrels? Congratulations, Ronnie. They were heavy.”
“Make haste, my supple countess. The last flight to Shangri-la leaves within the hour. Hasten, hasten!”
“Does not the moment amuse you, Kracow? Hasten, ere the portcullis bars your entrance to Elsinore.”
“When are you two gonna shack up? As soon as he can move me into the law library.”
“So, what else is new? Like every night. Deal me out.”
“All I want is some peace and quiet, and that’s one thing Z-Man can’t offer.”
“Have a ball. I’ll see you tomorrow. Ciao.”
“Got anymore grass, man?”
“Lf we’re lucky, maybe it’s at least pot. Or we’ll get an oregano high.”
“Well, Emerson slipped me a graduate-student pass. I went back in the stacks to do some research in the rare book collection. And who do I run into but my score?”
“Cool, man. That’s getting it together.”
“You bugged, man?”
“There once was a time… maybe you can remember, when I was your manager… not the next thing to a goddamn groupie.”
“Do you good. Move it out, Kelly.”
“Feel like a party? Not really, Lance. Sounds divine, but it’s past my bedtime.”
“That’s a shame, Miriam. It’s gonna be so much fun.”
“You sure? As sure as sure can be.”
“Well, at least let me call you a cab.”
“What do you say everybody? Let’s do it.”
“Going my way? I’m skipping the party. I’m going home. I’m skipping the party too.”
“Why don’t you climb in, unless you have a ride.”
“Don’t put yourself out. I can hitch.”
“We’re going the same way. Come on. Get in.”
“Turn left at the next street. Mine’s the one on the right with the bright lights.”
“Don’t I even deserve a good night kiss?”
“What’s wrong with the Rolls? Not when my bed’s handy.”
“I want you right here.”
“At least we can park in the driveway.”
“Now it’s your move.”
“It’s my first time in a Rolls.”
“There’s nothing like a Rolls, Harris. There’s nothing like a Rolls. Nothing. Nothing like a Rolls! Not even a Bentley! Not even a Bentley! Bentley! Bentley! It’s like a Rolls. A Rolls! A Rolls!”
“Well, pneumatic.”
“She’d flip out to hear you say that. I doubt it.”
“Lance? Yeah? I’m thinking of cutting my hair. Well, don’t. Why not? I wanna love you for more than money.”
“What do you mean? You know what I mean, the millions. The Lake millions.”
“There’s no secrets at Z-Man’s.”
“I gently suggested to Aunt Susan… that the millions could go screw.”
“You what? You heard me.”
“Wow, baby, that was really dumb.”
“And how come you’re only getting a third? You ought to be getting half, and you know it.”
“Why should I get anything at all? You earned it. Getting shafted all your life while all those relatives lived it up in Worcester.”
“Like I say… there aren’t many secrets around here.”
“Now listen, Kelly. I’m gonna give you some free advice, baby, and you’d better take it. The noble Porter Hall is trying to get his lunch hooks on that dough. He’s screwing you, baby, not Susan Lake.”
“That girl Kelly Mac Namara is a tramp. She was living in a single room with three other individuals. One of them was a male. And the other two? Well, the other two were females. God only knows what they were up to in there. And furthermore, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn… that all four of them habitually smoke marijuana cigarettes.”
“Reefers.”
“Besides, if Kelly does turn on… Send her in.”
“Now you try to contain yourself, Porter.”
“Porter’s all steamed up. Too much partying.”
“You listen to me, hippie. I don’t know who you are or where you came from… but if you don’t withdraw your morbid interest in Miss Lake’s affairs… I shall be forced to take legal action.”
“Man, I doubt if you’d recognize a hippie. I’m a capitalist, baby. I work for my living, not suck off somebody else.”
“Not a penny, Miss Mac Namara. Not a single penny. I promise you that.”
“You’re making a fool of yourself.”
“A tramp with the morals of an alley cat.”
“Up yours, ratso!”
“Not a single penny. It’s not her money. Even if she is who she claims to be, her behavior’s disgusting.”
“I’ll take half a million dollars, man!”
“What was that? You heard me. Half a million dollars and not a penny less.”
“How can you be so blind, Susan? I met her type before. The little innocent face and smile. The little, sweet virgin-whore.”
“Porter, why are you acting like this? She’s only a child!”
“It’s got to be, Susan. It’s gotta be half. Half a million dollars.”
“Mom never wanted it, but she should have had it. That’s the way it’s gotta be.”
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. You sound like Z-Man. And Z-Man sounds like Will Shakespeare.”
“What is this, Tammy and the Lawyer?”
“If I don’t dig you, how come I’m making it with you? Because I’m the ballsiest cat you ever did meet.”
“Right on!”
“See what the ace has got to say.”
“We were cut off. I’m terribly sorry about that scene in Susan’s office yesterday. Certainly, I never remotely intended to give the impression… I must have left.”
“Fine. And at what time? 3:00, I guess. Tell him 3.”
“I’ll be there about 3. See you then. Bye.”
“You did good, beautiful. You know the mother’s up to something. Here’s your chance to really shaft him.”
“Think so? I know so.”
“Why do I do everything you tell me? I don’t know. Why do you? I can’t help myself. You’ve made me into a whore. And you dig it, you little freak.”
“I’m having a coffee. A very dry vodka martini for me. Make it a double, please.”
“Of course we’ve had our misunderstandings, but who hasn’t? I believe they call it the generation gap. In my day, they called it something else.”
“I can remember when my father raised the dickens over me. I was a devil then. Came home in a pinch-back suit. He thought I’d gone the way of Oscar Wilde.”
“Hey, got a quarter?”
“Perhaps it’s just as well.”
“In any event, I didn’t ask you to meet me today simply to apologize. I also wanted to discuss this financial misunderstanding we’re enmeshed in. Now, as Miss Lake’s adviser, I have her best interests at heart. However, I want to suggest a business arrangement… an arrangement that would be the greatest benefit to all concerned. Now, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing up this document. By which, in return for the handsome consideration of $50,000 immediately… you would agree to discontinue, or should I say, no longer press charges.”
“You are finished, cheap swindler. You and Susan Lake and your documents.”
“Wait. I assure you, Susan Lake had absolutely no knowledge of this.”
“Congratulations. I didn’t think you had the balls to go sneaking behind her back.”
“Oh, get!”
“McHugh, throw me a bar rag. A clean one. Coming at you.”
“Porter, I’m sorry I lost my temper. It was my fault bringing you here.”
“Tell you what… let’s go to my place. We can talk some more about your document.”
“Want some? What is it? Oh, Porter. You mean you don’t know what it is? Of course I know what it is.”
“Porter, don’t waste it! Look, look, let me show you. Draw in. That’s it. Hold it here. That’s it. Now blow it out. Let me show you. Look. Like this. See? Now you do it. See? Deep down. Deep down here.”
“Porter, you’re so cute. I think I’ll change into something more comfortable. Hang cool, teddy bear.”
“Why don’t you lose your laundry, Porter?”
“Come on, Porter. You’re taking so much time. Hurry, Porter. Porter, really. Wearing your underwear to bed? I’ll help you. Come on. Hey, have you got lead in your…?”
“There.”
“Never mind, Porter.”
“If you don’t tell Aunt Susan, I won’t.”
“A toast, a toast, my friends, to The Carrie Nations… and to their first golden record. Long may they reign.”
“Between that and those little pills, you won’t be good for anything.”
“Now you’re inviting motor psychos to your parties. What next, truck drivers and longshoremen? You mean really rough trade?”
“Never mind.”
“Lance Rocke is no Prince Valiant.”
“They deserve each other.”
“That’s gratitude. I promote him to waiter and he decides to be a lawyer instead.”
“This should be fascinating.”
“See the cat in the Brooks Brothers suit? Who is he? He looks straight for this crowd.”
“You’ve treated her like this since meeting her. She’s after your money. Nothing you can say will change my opinion.”
“They were in love for years. He proposed to her once… but it was the wrong moment.”
“As your legal adviser… let me handle this in my own discreet way.”
“I’ve already seen a display of your discretion. It’s reminiscent of a meat ax.”
“She doesn’t know he’s in Hollywood. Really?”
“We seem to be interrupting a reunion.”
“May I escort you to the bar?”
“I want a daiquiri.”
“Could you get away for a few minutes? I’d like to talk to you.”
“It’s been three years. Doesn’t matter. I’m still in love with you, Susan. I always have been. I’ve changed. I’m no longer the guy who swore he’d never marry.”
“I heard you were engaged. Now that you mention it, I suppose I am engaged. Or should I say, I was engaged? I only seriously proposed marriage once in my life.”